I’m Afraid of Dying

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how little time we have here, on earth.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting closer to the end of my 20s, and I see how quickly it happened.  I don’t know if it’s because death touched my life when my mom passed away, forcing awareness of my own mortality before my mid-twenties.  But I do know that I am afraid of dying – and I think it’s because I’m having the time of my life, and I don’t want it to end. 

 It’s not that I’m afraid of what comes after death, because I’m at peace with what I believe will happen then.  It’s just that I am so happy these days, but the one thing I know for certain is that change is the only constant.  Nothing lasts forever.  So I fear for the impending ripples in the smooth currents of my happy life, and then I fear that no matter how much time we’re given it will still never feel like enough. The first time I felt something like this was when I read a story about the deep depression an elderly woman went into when she lost her husband of 56 years.  It seems obvious but it wasn’t to me at first – there is never enough time to be with someone you love! I thought about how people say they “can’t wait to grow old” with one another, and when I heard it I used to get the sweet image of an old couple rocking in their chairs, reminiscing on the life experiences they had together.  But I don’t think I’ll ever say it to my life partner, because I can wait to grow old together.  I don’t know if it was just me that imagined there was ever enough time, and that suddenly after x amount of years you’d be ready to say goodbye to someone. I figured it had something to do with losing my mom at a young age, and the wishful thinking that I could’ve had her throughout her later years.  But I have an understanding there too, that when you lose your mom (or anyone important to you) – it doesn’t matter when it happens, it will always be devastating.

So…I’m enjoying the life I have immensely, and I know doing that is the best thing I can do.  Maybe the beauty in all of it is that since our life spans are so short, we pack everything we can into this tiny space in time – so if/when we have the chance to look back we see a slideshow of beautiful and captivating experiences. For now, any time I get overwhelmed with the fear of the inevitable, I cope by thinking about the bad news and the good news.  The bad news is that nothing lasts forever.  But the good news is – that nothing lasts forever. 😊

People Just Do Nothing

Image result for people just do nothing netflix

This show is like if Trailer Park Boys and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia had a baby in the UK. It’s hilarious, from the premises and philosophy down to the wardrobe and mannerisms. The show is about a group of guys who struggle to find their way, as they follow their passion of garage music and run a pirate radio station. Whether you are trying to binge watch a new show or just want something in the background while you scroll, People Just Do Nothing is definitely “Relatable”.

Life is Hard

I’m not gonna mince words here. It is what it is. Life is hard…really fuckin hard. I was joking with Zack about how growing up is like slowly realizing that you’re not special and don’t have super powers. Like it takes 30 years to realize you’re not Harry Potter.

I don’t mean for this to seem depressing, but I think people are sad. I think people are sad and lonely and it drives them to make a lot of their day to day and even life decisions.

I was talking to a friend about relationships and settling (that’s a whole other post), but my point of view was ultimately that life is hard, and people don’t so much settle as they find someone who makes life suck a little less. From the outside, you can see the toxic energy, but from the inside, it’s just enough better to get through the day and make it to tomorrow.

It’s the same with staying in shape and being fit. Whether it’s restricting your diet and activities or working at a calorie deficit to lose weight, it’s not easy. My dad has a saying, “Just cause it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s easy,” and it’s so true about life. Temporary mouth pleasure often outweighs long term goals. And a sedentary lifestyle is so much easier than waking up early for work to squeeze in a run, workout, or stretch. A buddy of mine recently changed his life after watching a short video about how if you don’t have 15 minutes a day to improve yourself, what are you really doing? That’s about 1% of your day. Yet still, people are convinced they are too busy because it’s so much easier to fill the void than to live in the void (the void that is the mystery of life).

It’s the reason why so few of us actually attain their dream of “success”- not just money or status, but the dedication to see something through; the dedication to actualize a thought. It’s so much easier to consume and numb the pain of rejection or failure than to create and feel the friction of experience.

As usual, I start with a thought and trail into a rant, but I think I said enough. I try to see the beauty and silver lining in everything because I feel the sadness and uselessness of everything.

Episode 139: American Africans

“Practice is my favorite sport.” -Eddie Bravo’s son. Zack tasks Dean with finding ways to capitalize on his whiteness and Dean ponders whether or not there are American Africans. The guys question whether or not sports keep men out of trouble and spitball about experimental comedy show ideas.

DaniLeigh – Don’t Mean Nothin’

FLATBUSH ZOMBIES – Leather Symphony (feat. A$AP Twelvyy)

Much To Do About Nothing

I think part of the reason social media is so popular and alluring, is cause it allows people to be a shitty uninvolved friend, without feeling the guilt or loneliness. I realized last week that I have a lot of friends on social media (*a lot to me*), but only truly interact with a handful of them. I do know all my friends personally, or at least the people I follow (*besides celebrities*). This is starting to have a few more Astriss than I would’ve liked, but no matter, no matter. I was thinkin about how if I didn’t see these peoples’ post or pictures, I wouldn’t think about these people. I don’t talk to them daily or see them often, I don’t hit them up when I’m bored or when I need something. In that thought, I felt like those “friends” were just extras with weak backstories. It made me feel guilty for not being a better friend or being more involved.

Here’s the thing, just like a healthy diet will lead to a fit lifestyle. A healthy social media diet will lead to healthy mental health. Sometimes I forget that we are a byproduct of what we consume and I get sucked into the limitless that is the internet. And after I get my fill, on what whatever it is, Instagram, YouTube, etc. I still feel empty. It’s like the bag of chips you thought you wanted. Then you eat the whole bag and your not full, and you still feel the need to eat something of substance. That’s usually when I throw on a podcast and try to do something in the real world.

I touched on it in my last post, but I think people need to be aware of social media, and focus more of their relationships in real life. That last bit sounds a bit preachy, but I think it’s cause I’m talking to myself and I need to hear it. Lately I feel like I’ve felt lonelier than usual and it feels good to “fuck off” and be average. But like I’ve said before. “If you knew better, you would do better.” And I know better…