The B of the D

The old art of “The B of the D”, is something I think has long since been forgotten. Giving someone “the benefit of the doubt” is rare these days among a generation that fears rejection more than ever, rarely gives second chances (cancel culture), and is always posturing their nobility.

I think I’ve mentioned before that people are, the best “judge” of others, and the best “lawyer” for ourselves. Meaning, we can easily justify our own actions, thoughts, and behaviors, because we see our whole story; as opposed to others, who we judge based on a moment in time, and extrapolate as if that moment is an example of their lives.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, is making a conscious effort to reverse these roles. I often play devils advocate when talking to friends and family, because usually the party in question is not there to defend themselves. And not having any relation, I like to be as open as possible, to all motives and ideas that could be overlooked, unthought of, or ignored.

For example, if a friend came to me with advice about whether their spouse is cheating on them or not. I first assume the position that they enjoy each other and want to be together. So I might ask, why would they cheat? Then why do you think they are cheating, along with maybe some alternatives to explain the strange or insensitive behavior. In all honesty, I could be absolutely wrong, but it’s the “benefit”. If it someone they care about, why wouldn’t you give them that benefit? Without any actual proof or evidence, why would you default to a worse case scenario? Why not give them the grace of the best case scenario? In this way, I feel like I can manifest more positive energy. It’s the opposite of “ jumping to conclusions”. Whether their spouse is ultimately cheating or not, stewing in the worst case scenario or negative energy isn’t going to change the outcome or ease the passing of time until the real answer is revealed.

Here’s The Thing, the “B of the D” is allowing the future to stay in the future, while making the most of the present. It’s not letting the anxiety of the inevitable, overcome the actuality of the now. There are no victims when giving “the B of the D”. The BoTD is the grey area between black and white. And I like to think of that grey glass of water, as half full.

Tru vs Truth

And, Action! I didn’t have clever intro for this topic, so I decided to give the reader a job (Director) and put words in their mouth…

Anyways I was thinkin’ of a thought, and the idea thunk was just because something is Tru doesn’t make it Truth.

Tru.

The space that people experience and live their day to day lives is Tru. How you were raised, the places you went, the movies you’ve seen, that’s all Tru. I think Tru is something that happened to you, that is undeniable. An experience that you live through and rationalized, and concluded “I don’t drink tequila” for example. It something that you’ve had an experience with and set a rule and tru to it. Or maybe “getting in shape is too hard”, that’s tru. Getting in shape is hard and if you’re not in shape, and thinking that, it’s too hard.

But just because something is Tru, doesn’t make it the Truth.

Truth.

If Tru is what happens to you, then Truth is what happens to everyone. Truth isn’t validated by just one or two people’s opinions, but everyone’s “collective”. (Almost there…). The truth might be, “you drank tequila irresponsibility once…a couple times, trying to be kool and horribly regretted it that night, the next morning, the next afternoon, and now associate the substance with the feeling, and would rather talk than drink…”. Just a thought. Or, the Truth could be that “getting in shape is simple, but that doesn’t make it easy”. Living at a calorie deficit is not easy, especially to get used to, but that’s the de sip line of committing yourself to something you know will be worth it to you. Working out a little bit everyday is easy, you can do squats where you stand, and people still “don’t have time” to even start the littlest of things. Truths are hard, and they can’t be justified by personal experience.

Here’s The Thing, a lot of people who think they are “Living their Truth” are just “Living their Tru”. And as usual, I start strong and fade into the bushes. As always, Stay Relatable!

Work through it vs Find “The One”

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it…

-Maya Angelou

This quote is scary, because it’s so relatably true. I think everyone has an understanding of “settling”, but as we look at our own lives we can be the best lawyers of ourselves and the best judges of others. Meaning, we can make excuses for ourselves and defend our actions, justifying the things we do, much easier then we can for others. When we look at others we are much more objective and tend to overlook the nuances and subtleties we give ourselves credit for.

I say that to frame the question, “what is the balance of waiting for THE ONE or working through it?” I referenced this conversation in my last the post. A lot of people are afraid to “settle”, thinking that somehow they have sold themselves short and deserve more. These same people often never find someone who meets their standard, and it made me think about relationships in a weird way.

Granted, I am writing from the perspective of a single man, who isn’t in love or feel like they’ve found the one. So I do feel like my opinion will change when/if I do find the one for me. But is it better to find someone that is 70% or even 90% of your standard and grow and develop with them, or to stay true to yourself and wait for the perfect someone to exceed your standards?

On one hand I want to be rational and think that the chances are very low that you meet the “perfect” person. And if so, if you would even be the perfect person for them. For example I’m sure a lot of women see Brad Pitt as a great catch, but to Brad Pitt, he might not see all those women in the same light. So I would think there would have to be some sort of compromise from both sides to find mutual peace.

But on the other hand, why would you ever sell yourself short? Why settle? Life is too short. I think having the confidence in yourself to know your worth is a special trait as well. You certainly take the risk of living life alone, but with great risk comes great reward. “Holding out” or not settling could help you build the character and confidence to know exactly what you want, and take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself. And maybe I’m a romantic, but I feel like there would be no better feeling then knowing you found THE ONE.

I understand that all relationships take work, whether they are the one or not. So this isn’t to say if there’s friction then dip. But it does mean not ignoring read flags and not compromising your morals or ways of life. Some people need a clean home or to be told they are loved or like to watch the game. If your partner doesn’t mesh with those ideas and you feel a bit of resentment in changing, then that might be the compromise that would be considered settling. Although, I do feel growing and changing together is very powerful. For instance, a guy who is naturally disorganized getting with a girl who is very neat, could certainly benefit the both of them. With him learning to straighten up after himself and her possibly learning to loosen up a bit more. Sometimes those experiences can strengthen a bond and really galvanize a relationship.

Here’s The Thing, should you work through it or wait for the one? I don’t know. But it’s certainly something to think about. If you’re single, let me know about some past relationships and what you think. If you are in a relationship, let me know if they are the one or you “settled” and what you think. As always, Stay Relatable!

Emotional Footprint

With 2019 coming to an end, we are one year closer to depleting our planet of its precious resources. Topics like climate change and renewable resources have entered debates and people are starting to become more aware of their carbon/environmental footprint.

People are recycling, making a conscious effort not to support certain businesses, and even buying cars all with the longevity of the planet in mind. People are slowly accepting that the earth is a finite resource and making decisions that will place as little impact on its ecosystem as possible.

I say that to say this. I feel like people are slowly starting to acknowledge their emotional footprint as well. Understanding how much of an impact their actions can have on others and future generations down the line.

I know that part of the reason I want to be a good and better person is because I don’t want to have a high emotional footprint. I have definitely done some bad things in my past; cheated, hooked up with people in relationships, lied, etc. But as an older man I can see how those actions have a trickle effect on people later in life, affecting the decisions they make, partners they choose, how they treat people, and even how they raise their kids.

I don’t want my legacy or lasting memory to be a negative one. I feel like the most extreme of these cases are of coarse death, whether accidental or intentional. The rationalization of it and the people it leaves behind. Or abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, etc. Acts like these effect people’s lives in ways that cause generational ripples in behavior.

I want to have a positive emotional footprint. I want to be a catalyst to be a better person, for the sake of doing the “right” thing. I want to pay it forward, not for karma, but because I can. It’s something I’ve had to work on as I grew up and matured. But I have a problem with giving when I can and not saving when I need to. I’m happy to help family and friends, even strangers in need when I have the means to do so. And I think that piggybacks on my last post about life being hard hard.

Here’s The Thing. I just want to bring the thought of an emotional footprint to your consciousness. The more aware people are of this, the more we can do to Live this life, and less Survive it.

The same way we are taking steps to save our planet, we can a apply to our lives (rough metaphor). Consider recycling people instead of throwing them away, talk to them and have mature emotional conversations that can salvage a relationship, as opposed to calling any friction in your life, toxic energy. Just like we are making the transition off of fossil fuels to renewable resources, hold yourself accountable to the truth, no white lies, and gain energy from a cleaner fuel, as opposed to bending the truth to “get by”.

My dad used to always tell me, “to leave things better than I found them.” From cleaning up after myself when I go places, to picking up others trash, it planted a seed for me to leave a positive Emotional Footprint.

Life is Hard

I’m not gonna mince words here. It is what it is. Life is hard…really fuckin hard. I was joking with Zack about how growing up is like slowly realizing that you’re not special and don’t have super powers. Like it takes 30 years to realize you’re not Harry Potter.

I don’t mean for this to seem depressing, but I think people are sad. I think people are sad and lonely and it drives them to make a lot of their day to day and even life decisions.

I was talking to a friend about relationships and settling (that’s a whole other post), but my point of view was ultimately that life is hard, and people don’t so much settle as they find someone who makes life suck a little less. From the outside, you can see the toxic energy, but from the inside, it’s just enough better to get through the day and make it to tomorrow.

It’s the same with staying in shape and being fit. Whether it’s restricting your diet and activities or working at a calorie deficit to lose weight, it’s not easy. My dad has a saying, “Just cause it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s easy,” and it’s so true about life. Temporary mouth pleasure often outweighs long term goals. And a sedentary lifestyle is so much easier than waking up early for work to squeeze in a run, workout, or stretch. A buddy of mine recently changed his life after watching a short video about how if you don’t have 15 minutes a day to improve yourself, what are you really doing? That’s about 1% of your day. Yet still, people are convinced they are too busy because it’s so much easier to fill the void than to live in the void (the void that is the mystery of life).

It’s the reason why so few of us actually attain their dream of “success”- not just money or status, but the dedication to see something through; the dedication to actualize a thought. It’s so much easier to consume and numb the pain of rejection or failure than to create and feel the friction of experience.

As usual, I start with a thought and trail into a rant, but I think I said enough. I try to see the beauty and silver lining in everything because I feel the sadness and uselessness of everything.

Much To Do About Nothing

I think part of the reason social media is so popular and alluring, is cause it allows people to be a shitty uninvolved friend, without feeling the guilt or loneliness. I realized last week that I have a lot of friends on social media (*a lot to me*), but only truly interact with a handful of them. I do know all my friends personally, or at least the people I follow (*besides celebrities*). This is starting to have a few more Astriss than I would’ve liked, but no matter, no matter. I was thinkin about how if I didn’t see these peoples’ post or pictures, I wouldn’t think about these people. I don’t talk to them daily or see them often, I don’t hit them up when I’m bored or when I need something. In that thought, I felt like those “friends” were just extras with weak backstories. It made me feel guilty for not being a better friend or being more involved.

Here’s the thing, just like a healthy diet will lead to a fit lifestyle. A healthy social media diet will lead to healthy mental health. Sometimes I forget that we are a byproduct of what we consume and I get sucked into the limitless that is the internet. And after I get my fill, on what whatever it is, Instagram, YouTube, etc. I still feel empty. It’s like the bag of chips you thought you wanted. Then you eat the whole bag and your not full, and you still feel the need to eat something of substance. That’s usually when I throw on a podcast and try to do something in the real world.

I touched on it in my last post, but I think people need to be aware of social media, and focus more of their relationships in real life. That last bit sounds a bit preachy, but I think it’s cause I’m talking to myself and I need to hear it. Lately I feel like I’ve felt lonelier than usual and it feels good to “fuck off” and be average. But like I’ve said before. “If you knew better, you would do better.” And I know better…