The guys discuss when parent’s should go “all-in” on their professional gamer, talk comedy and discover that single women are happier (according to SCIENTIFIC findings). Dean gives his number (his sex number) and NBA playoff predictions are made.
Chance the Rapper ft. TisaKorean & Murda Beatz – GRoCERIES
Jonah Yano, BADBADNOTGOOD – nervous
The clouds are heady, planted feet.
Her hands are steady, full of skeet.
I’m ready for you to notice me,
drinking irresponsibly,
I think you barely see.
Right…
I’m in for the night.
No text the next day,
No “hi”, no “hey”.
Been grounded, can’t come out to play.
Hit eject on the rhyme scheme,
yo this dude is weird.
Gold plated, purse sueded, double-team The Beard.
Glory’s faded, understated, at least you made it here.
Shit.
What’s a cadence?
I ain’t been straight since,
my fate was decided by a white fence.
Straddled it, no rattle, bitch.
Rates on them tits don’t tattle, bitch.
You’re a slave, bro.
You need some inspo?
Hit a rave, then abort the in vitro.
He moved on, expired like a coupon
Ex tired, been fired
Saturday’s for Jimmy Neutron.
Hi, I’m Paul,
take a Walker to the Wall,
break a John’s jaw just to watch Fall.
Fuuck.
That was pretty offensive.
Crayola turned pensive.
That’s a broken dish, can’t rinse it.
Imma poke a fish like a stick,
with a wishlist.
The joke is rich.
Pedantic dicks supplant ethics,
with a single bid.
Can’t lie, can’t trick, I was a Pringle’s kid.
Lays tried, brain’s fried, no cannibal.
Cold jokes all Burr, no Hannibal.
The only scratch I see is from an animal.
Old folks hatch dust and bust nuts,
at the hospital.
I’m almost done here.
Fixed chain, no spokes, I got one gear.
Head over handles,
bred as vandals.
Smelly sandals and scented candles.
El fin.
Sareth Ney is a comedian, creator of Sareth-Fest (a comedy and music festival), and journalist who runs AQDPI.com.
The guys throw the top back on the topicals. The Georgia/Alabama abortion ban, penile lengthening surgeries, school lunch shaming and the college plagiarism business are all discussed.
Clay and Friends – OMG
Anna Sofia – Meaner Girl
I don’t really feel like writing today, so here are some one-liners I’ve put together over the last few weeks. You can only steal them if you say them on stage.
-The word “quench” makes me thirsty.
– I think flat-earthers are just trying to get a free trip to space.
-There should be a three drink MAXIMUM.
-Fuck cancer? You might not have cancer if you were a little nicer.
-Lesbians have the best weed (not a joke, just a fact).
-Boxed water should taste like pussy.
-Why aren’t there wallet chains for your phone?
-Struggle is like chickenpox, the earlier you get it the better. (idunno)
-I’d rather buy tampons than WhiteClaws.
-I bet the hardest part about dating Ariana Grande (for Pete Davidson) was having to pretend her music was good.
– Saw a post from a girl holding a bridesmaid coffee mug with the caption “No Greater Honor”…how many pats on the back do women want?
-You can usually tell one’s race by how long their hashtags are.
-I’ve never really gotten a backhanded compliment…they all feel like fore-handed “Fuck Yous”, to me.
-I will NEVER speak in absolutes EVER again.
-All dogs are rescues, if you think about it.
-Ultimatums are threats with longer timelines.
-I once tried to kill my sister’s cat with allergy medicine.
-High heels are just portable squatty potties.
-Long, drawn out sex is a lie developed by Big Porn.
-*eats Non-GMO* …. *smokes California weed*….
-If there were no refs in MMA, would the guy who knocked the other guy out just keep going?! Sheesh.
These are bad, I know.
You know what, I just read my last post and I needed to defend myself (from myself). The blog name is going back to its original title. I’m not a douchebag. I call myself a douchebag as a defense tactic so it hurts less when other people say or think it. I use the “Eminem/ 8-mile method” of self-deprecation to be more likable but I need to stop. It’s phony. I’m a good fucking dude. I’m a good dude with integrity. I think the byproduct of having integrity is scary because sticking to your guns is uncomfortable at times- especially for other people. I’m a dude with strict boundaries and if you cross a boundary, I’ll let you know about it. Anyone who’s ever called me a douchebag or an asshole usually ended up exhibiting the same symptoms of assholishness they previously diagnosed me with. Sure, I’ve been a dick before but who hasn’t? I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ve taken those lessons to heart as I interact with people on a daily basis. I’m not perfect but I try every day to make people feel good. I don’t do it for altruistic reasons but that doesn’t make me a douchebag. Making other people feel better makes me feel better and I don’t see a problem with that. You can call me a cynic, you can call me scatterbrained (because well, obviously) but I’m done entertaining the fact that I’m a bad dude.
P.S.- I’m only three posts in and I already see a trend in my writing. It starts out decent and then trails off because I lose interest and/or focus. It’s still early in this experiment but I’m already over talking about me. I think tomorrow I’ll try something even more abstract and not as self absorbed. Thanks for reading. I love you.
“Be good to yourself, you deserve it.” – Theo Von
therelatables.com 