The guys throw the top back on the topicals. The Georgia/Alabama abortion ban, penile lengthening surgeries, school lunch shaming and the college plagiarism business are all discussed.
Clay and Friends – OMG
Anna Sofia – Meaner Girl
Tag: comedy
Daily Blog #4
I don’t really feel like writing today, so here are some one-liners I’ve put together over the last few weeks. You can only steal them if you say them on stage.
-The word “quench” makes me thirsty.
– I think flat-earthers are just trying to get a free trip to space.
-There should be a three drink MAXIMUM.
-Fuck cancer? You might not have cancer if you were a little nicer.
-Lesbians have the best weed (not a joke, just a fact).
-Boxed water should taste like pussy.
-Why aren’t there wallet chains for your phone?
-Struggle is like chickenpox, the earlier you get it the better. (idunno)
-I’d rather buy tampons than WhiteClaws.
-I bet the hardest part about dating Ariana Grande (for Pete Davidson) was having to pretend her music was good.
– Saw a post from a girl holding a bridesmaid coffee mug with the caption “No Greater Honor”…how many pats on the back do women want?
-You can usually tell one’s race by how long their hashtags are.
-I’ve never really gotten a backhanded compliment…they all feel like fore-handed “Fuck Yous”, to me.
-I will NEVER speak in absolutes EVER again.
-All dogs are rescues, if you think about it.
-Ultimatums are threats with longer timelines.
-I once tried to kill my sister’s cat with allergy medicine.
-High heels are just portable squatty potties.
-Long, drawn out sex is a lie developed by Big Porn.
-*eats Non-GMO* …. *smokes California weed*….
-If there were no refs in MMA, would the guy who knocked the other guy out just keep going?! Sheesh.
These are bad, I know.
Daily Blog #3
You know what, I just read my last post and I needed to defend myself (from myself). The blog name is going back to its original title. I’m not a douchebag. I call myself a douchebag as a defense tactic so it hurts less when other people say or think it. I use the “Eminem/ 8-mile method” of self-deprecation to be more likable but I need to stop. It’s phony. I’m a good fucking dude. I’m a good dude with integrity. I think the byproduct of having integrity is scary because sticking to your guns is uncomfortable at times- especially for other people. I’m a dude with strict boundaries and if you cross a boundary, I’ll let you know about it. Anyone who’s ever called me a douchebag or an asshole usually ended up exhibiting the same symptoms of assholishness they previously diagnosed me with. Sure, I’ve been a dick before but who hasn’t? I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ve taken those lessons to heart as I interact with people on a daily basis. I’m not perfect but I try every day to make people feel good. I don’t do it for altruistic reasons but that doesn’t make me a douchebag. Making other people feel better makes me feel better and I don’t see a problem with that. You can call me a cynic, you can call me scatterbrained (because well, obviously) but I’m done entertaining the fact that I’m a bad dude.
P.S.- I’m only three posts in and I already see a trend in my writing. It starts out decent and then trails off because I lose interest and/or focus. It’s still early in this experiment but I’m already over talking about me. I think tomorrow I’ll try something even more abstract and not as self absorbed. Thanks for reading. I love you.
“Be good to yourself, you deserve it.” – Theo Von
DB #2
I’m frantically typing this at work as the last few minutes of my unpaid lunch break expire. I’ve tried not to put too much thought in writing a blog because honestly I think blogs are lame but this was all I could think about this morning. What should I say? What should my point of view be? Why do questions in writings almost always come in threes? I’m not a writer but I so desperately want to be…so this is me doing that. I try to write jokes because in my brain it’s less pretentious than writing something that is self reflective. Even as I typed out that last sentence my brain said, “But great jokes are self reflective if you really think about it.” Fucking douche. Speaking of douche, I’m renaming the blog “DB”. It’s a play on words (or letters) that could mean “Daily Blog” or “Douche Bag”. I don’t really think I’m a douche bag but I do think that’s how I’m perceived so it’s not really up to me, is it? I’m jumping around a lot here but that’s kind of the point. I’ll get better at putting more cohesive thoughts and ideas together as I do more of these but I think it’s important that you all see how shitty I was at the beginning of this thing and then scroll to the point where you might actually get something out of my daily ramblings. I’m just about at the 250 word mark so I’ll keep typing for another second and leave you with my thoughts for today. Bye.
Episode 120: Sports Is Coming
Spring is here and so are playoff sports. No, this isn’t a sports podcast but there’s just so much going on that The Relatables had to relate. They go over the incredible Tiger comeback, savage UFC 236 fights and give their heart’s picks to win it all in the NBA. Zack details some of his time working in the mall and Dean tries to decide how to wisely use his time.
DaBaby – Walker Texas Ranger
Anderson .Paak – Come Home (feat. Andre 3000)
Episode 119: THE RETURN (Part 2 – BONUS from Los Angeles)
The guys reluctantly record live from the lobby of the Freehand Hotel in Los Angeles, California. They recap their experiences at The Comedy Store, SoFar and act like they’re locals.
Color The Band – Locals
Ski Mask The Slump God – Faucet Failure
