Category: Just Jade

My first heartbreak was about three years ago.  I was so angsty that I found myself Googling dumb articles like “How long will it take to get over my ex?” (PSA Google said to add 6 months for every 3 months you were together, it’s basic fundamental math).  But after the time that flawless equation summed up came and went – I was still thinking of this guy!  He’d come up randomly for no apparent reason and I’d get a small missing pang in my guts (I later found out this had to do with the fact that I had illegal surgery performed in a back ally to remove my kidney).

Getting over my ex felt like I was training for a marathon.  Except the end result, at least to me, was even more worthwhile because of who it made me today.  Now, I try to bring myself back to that time and how I’d wake up in the middle of the night wanting him back, or how I convinced myself I would never be the same me again…And I just can’t relate anymore.  I want to write about it to seem relatable to everyone who has or is going through the unspeakable right now, but I’m so past it that it just feels – phony – to try to be poetic about someone who shit in my cereal three years ago. Put it like this, recalling how bent out of shape I was over this dude would be like trying to put your poop back in your butt. Now that you have a nice visual, I decided to instead sum up some of the major takeaways I got from the entire experience…if you’re going through something like this, or you already have, I hope it resonates with you.

1. You will get through this.
2. You won’t be the same ‘you’ that you were, you’ll be a better version.
3. I remember the very day I got over to the other side of the plateau (this is very important) – it was the day I let go of ALL HOPE that we would get back together one day.  As long as you hold onto hope, you will not move on.  When you let it go, you do unimaginable things for your journey and strength of character. And no, it’s not supposed to be easy…but if it was easy everyone would be an Olympic marathon athlete.
4. I spent a lot of days and nights in my apartment hyperventilating over it (then my cat would decide I was worthy of comfort because I scooped his shit every day)…I wanted so badly to hear from him, to send a text, to call him.  Instead I fought the urge to do it solely out of respect for myself.  This is the single most caring thing I did for me.  Always put yourself first with these things, and you’ll come in first place on the day of the marathon. No pain no gain, baby.
5. If you have been wronged and believe you deserve some type of closure in order to move on…Forget it.  Refer to my last post. No one in this world owes you a damn thing. You’ll get through this without an apology, and since it won’t kill you, it’ll definitely make you stronger.
6. Don’t tie your self-worth to what your ex thinks of you.  Your value must come from within. You are enough. Believe in that and the rest of the advice in this post will naturally follow suit.
7. Don’t be afraid to love again. There are still good people out there. Oh, and….
8. You will love again. 

In this world there are a few absolute truths.  Nothing lasts forever, everything changes, and you can’t depend on anyone but yourself.  No one owes you your happiness, your success, an explanation, or an apology.  No one in the world is even obligated to show up for you.   Not your parents, not your siblings, not your man (or your lady), not your best friend since you were 8 years old.  If and when they do show up…for me?  That’s where my appreciation spills into a fruitless pursuit of wanting to know how in the world I got so lucky.  Because they don’t owe me anything, but they showed up any way.  It was that time…at my college graduation…The one where my mom passed away a year before I could walk across the stage.  The two remaining most important people to me in my life told me they also weren’t going to show up because they had other obligations.  I was so upset.  I actually felt sorry for myself and couldn’t believe I did all of this work just to be treated like I accomplished nothing. But then I complained to Dean (co-creator and co-host of The Relatables), and he re-asserted…no, he actually TAUGHT me, that even though it hurts, no one in this world owes me a damn thing.  And that was tough for me to swallow, because – The truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off.

I think that was the preface to my realization that the only person I can depend on is myself.  If I can’t even do that, then what do I have?  From then on, even when they didn’t show the day of graduation (though I still had my fingers crossed), I had this overwhelming sense of pride bursting from within because I was now truly free to celebrate me.  I told myself I was going to finish, and I did.  I told myself I was going to move to California, and I did.  I told myself I was going to try standup, and I (finally) did. I told myself I was going to see at least one new country every year, and ever since then, I have.

If anything is certain in this world, it is that I’m as good as my word.

Thank you for showing me the way, Dean.

I have a new app idea, where you go mobile to find girlfriends who have sugar daddies – and those girlfriends invite you out to hang with them and their glucose guardians. The point? Well, you reap some awesome sugar benefits without any strings attached! You heard it here first. I’m calling it Sugar Friends. The other night I went to LA (I live in Orange County) to meet up with my girl visiting from Georgia, and she brought along her met online fructose parent. I have honestly never seen one of these sucrose fathers in action, in the flesh…so when he started pulling wads of cash out to pay for everything our hearts desired I was unnecessarily shook. I’d even try to order my own dignified independent girl drink, and then he’d swoop in and take care of the tab while also wooing the female bartenders with overly healthy tips. It felt awkward at first, getting taken care of this damn much, as just the friend of the levulose child (sugar baby synonym, keep up with me!)…but eventually I got drunk and the cares stopped forming. It was a fantastic place to be. I’m just not into the concept enough to full on commit to a real one (I know, no one’s putting a gun to my head and forcing me to either, I’m just having a conversation here). I don’t have disrespect for people who thrive on these arrangements, as long as no one is getting hurt. Pride is a powerful imaginary force – A tradeoff I haven’t been able to forgo when it comes to strutting my independence. My dad (my real dad guys not a xylose one!), randomly told me once, like Rhonda Rousey said, “don’t be a do-nothing bitch”. There’s a lot of things he’s taught me that I’ve held onto like flies on shit…and this is one of them. Don’t be a do-nothing bitch. Rhonda’s speech explaining what a DNB is went like this:

“A kind of chick that just tries to be pretty and be taken care of by somebody else. That’s why I think it’s hilarious when people say my body looks masculine or something like that. Listen, just because my body was developed for a purpose other than f—ing millionaires, doesn’t mean it’s masculine. I think it’s femininely badass as f— because there’s not a single muscle in my body that isn’t for a purpose. Because I’m not a do-nothing bitch.”

In the end, I think life is just about balance. I tend to remain moderately firm in my convictions because I’m flexible when it comes to change and the evolution of circumstances. In LA that day, I was taken care of and I had the kind of time I’m still buzzing from days later. Back in Orange County today, I’m back to taking care of myself. Extremes are easy. Strive for balance.