I don’t really feel like writing today, so here are some one-liners I’ve put together over the last few weeks. You can only steal them if you say them on stage.
-The word “quench” makes me thirsty.
– I think flat-earthers are just trying to get a free trip to space.
-There should be a three drink MAXIMUM.
-Fuck cancer? You might not have cancer if you were a little nicer.
-Lesbians have the best weed (not a joke, just a fact).
-Boxed water should taste like pussy.
-Why aren’t there wallet chains for your phone?
-Struggle is like chickenpox, the earlier you get it the better. (idunno)
-I’d rather buy tampons than WhiteClaws.
-I bet the hardest part about dating Ariana Grande (for Pete Davidson) was having to pretend her music was good.
– Saw a post from a girl holding a bridesmaid coffee mug with the caption “No Greater Honor”…how many pats on the back do women want?
-You can usually tell one’s race by how long their hashtags are.
-I’ve never really gotten a backhanded compliment…they all feel like fore-handed “Fuck Yous”, to me.
-I will NEVER speak in absolutes EVER again.
-All dogs are rescues, if you think about it.
-Ultimatums are threats with longer timelines.
-I once tried to kill my sister’s cat with allergy medicine.
-High heels are just portable squatty potties.
-Long, drawn out sex is a lie developed by Big Porn.
-*eats Non-GMO* …. *smokes California weed*….
-If there were no refs in MMA, would the guy who knocked the other guy out just keep going?! Sheesh.
These are bad, I know.
The Relatables 