Being single this summer has forced me to spend some time looking inward. I started asking myself why I’ve spent so much time in and out of relationships, and I rarely stay single for more than six months at a time (if that). It’s strange because people who know me tend to describe me as this free spirit, the girl who does what she wants and can’t be controlled. I’m not the kind of person who depends on a relationship for safety or security – yet I find myself always in one? Why?
Because I’m fucking high demand that’s why. Grade A, bomb ass P………..KIDDING.
I think it’s because I’m such an extrovert and I’m always meeting new people and having an amazing time (PG answer 😊). Then I connect with someone, we like each other, and over time it becomes the next step that just makes the most sense despite the red flags. So far that obviously hasn’t worked out for me – my longest relationship has been with my cat (6 years strong baby).
So instead, I’m consciously choosing to enjoy this me (and cat) time. My old skool aunt would tell you that at 27, I’m being “too picky”, and she asked me to point her to the mystical land of Mr Perfects when I find it. I’m not searching for perfect. I’m searching for myself (what a millennial line). There are things that I thought I wanted out of life, but by being with myself this summer alone, I realized that I don’t want those things. I don’t want to have kids, I don’t want to move back home to settle down anymore. I don’t want to settle down at all, until my joints hurt and I can’t walk. This isn’t to say I’m opposed to fully sharing my life with someone else again, it just can’t be because it’s the “next step” to stay in each other’s lives.
Working on that…that’s the next step in my relationship with me.
You see the title, we’ve all heard the phrase. “It takes a village” is an African idiom as old as time, but I think it’s idiotic that it only applies to children. Where did this “village” go? What happened to all the people to who used to pinch my cheeks and snitch on me to my mom? It was all good when I was a cute pup but now that doggy’s all grown up he has to hunt for his own kibble. I’ll stray away from the dramatics of the dog metaphor but after you reach a certain age, life gets rough (or ruff, hehe). Right around the time you grow out of your cuteness is when you need the village the most. You’re a preteen and your face is greasy, your voice is all over the place and you’re swatting boners away like a never-ending game of whack-a-mole. That’s when the village starts losing members…like a plague came through. Your adorable “kids say the darnedest things” moments become awkward silence and dads aren’t cool with you hanging out with their daughters unsupervised. Adults try to connect with you by reminiscing about their old days, which only embarrasses you and further pushes you away. Or they’re so scared or insecure to try to connect that they turn in to dicks. I don’t know, and I’m getting close to that 250 word count minimum that for some reason I imposed on The Relatable team.
The jizz of it is, long after we’re children, it STILL takes a village. However, the cool thing is that you can eventually hand pick your village. Pick your village wisely and remember the strong will outlast any plague.
P.s. – I thought the title and premise was sooo original before writing this and I googled “it still takes a village” about midway through and forced myself to try to finish. Really embracing the newly found credo, “Don’t Overthink Shit”. Boom. Godnight.
I was trying to get this done before the melatonin started to hit. I think it’s too late. I Googled “Why is my brain in a fog” today and wasn’t surprised at the results. It was so obvious that I laughed out loud. I mean, obviously if you don’t get enough sleep and aren’t eating adequately, you tend to get a little spacey. It’s so funny to think about how smart I think I am and then when I actually examine my behaviors, they clearly aren’t those of an intelligent person. I don’t know. Melatonin gotta nilla* wafered, nawmeen? I’m out. I hope Kawhi and Drake get the win tonight. We’ll see in the morning.
*nilla– a term coined by the comedian Andrew Shultz close in meaning to the slang African-American “n-word” referring to one’s confidant or compadre
ie. “I was pulling out of work yesterday and this nilla in a turtleneck totally cut me off.”
I’d apologize for my absence but I know you didn’t miss me. I’ve got 9 minutes to pump out this bad boy so let me just fill you in a little about what my brain’s been buzzing’ on and then I’ll hit the sack…and then go to bed. Hiyo! I was going to make an excuse for why I haven’t written in a while but even I rolled my eyes at it. I’ve just been lazy. There’s no way around it. I’ve also been a little bit on the unhinged side of the cabinet. Yesterday I bitched out a kid who tried to commit suicide through Instagram DM’s. It’s weird though because I don’t even feel that bad about it. This kid is a good dude, a smart dude but he just annoys the shit out of me. He complains and bitches and moans and groans to a point that’s intolerable. Most of his wounds are self inflicted yet he still seems to find the worse in everything that anyone creates or puts out. I’m a little drunk and trying to be somewhat protective of his identity but I think you kind of get the gist of what kind of person he is. It’s the dude who shits on everything and thinks he’s smarter and more aware than everyone. Anywho, apparently he tried to kill himself by O.D.’ing and then he made an Instagram post telling everyone about it and how it lead to him taking a sabbatical from his podcast. It was a real “Facebook Folly” (because Facebook owns Instagram). I have no idea why but it just rubbed me the wrong way. It just seemed like he did it and then told everyone about it to get attention, then he got all snarky with me when I was trying to reach out. I thought about it a little today and realized why I got so cunty. I still think what I said was justified and stuff he needed someone to tell him but the reason I got so personal is because I think we’re similar in a lot of ways. Honestly, I don’t really know this person, we’re just acquaintances from high school but he annoys me because when I hear him talk he reminds me too much of myself. I’m cynical and tear shit down without knowing what went in to making it or trying to think from another person’s perspective. I think most of us get annoyed when we see people exhibit the same characteristics we don’t like about ourselves. I’m not saying anything new here and I’m kind of getting into the weeds so I’ll just cut it off here. I’ll be back tomorrow.