My original post was way too personal. In the past, I would have posted it with a faux “I don’t give a fuck” attitude but I don’t think I should do that anymore. It’s not worth the anxiety. I’m not censoring myself, I’m just waiting to gain more clarity on the situation before I offer up my thoughts. This post was pointless, I know, but I’m not going to lie…I’m pretty proud of myself. I didn’t overshare, and that’s okay. We’ll try again next week!
Being single this summer has forced me to spend some time looking inward. I started asking myself why I’ve spent so much time in and out of relationships, and I rarely stay single for more than six months at a time (if that). It’s strange because people who know me tend to describe me as this free spirit, the girl who does what she wants and can’t be controlled. I’m not the kind of person who depends on a relationship for safety or security – yet I find myself always in one? Why?
Because I’m fucking high demand that’s why. Grade A, bomb ass P………..KIDDING.
I think it’s because I’m such an extrovert and I’m always meeting new people and having an amazing time (PG answer 😊). Then I connect with someone, we like each other, and over time it becomes the next step that just makes the most sense despite the red flags. So far that obviously hasn’t worked out for me – my longest relationship has been with my cat (6 years strong baby).
So instead, I’m consciously choosing to enjoy this me (and cat) time. My old skool aunt would tell you that at 27, I’m being “too picky”, and she asked me to point her to the mystical land of Mr Perfects when I find it. I’m not searching for perfect. I’m searching for myself (what a millennial line). There are things that I thought I wanted out of life, but by being with myself this summer alone, I realized that I don’t want those things. I don’t want to have kids, I don’t want to move back home to settle down anymore. I don’t want to settle down at all, until my joints hurt and I can’t walk. This isn’t to say I’m opposed to fully sharing my life with someone else again, it just can’t be because it’s the “next step” to stay in each other’s lives.
Working on that…that’s the next step in my relationship with me.
I hope the title made you think, “damn this kid is a wordsmith!” And if not, you won’t be disappointed.
Woke Culture is among us and I think it’s a good thing. People are starting to look toward the bigger picture; global warming, gender fluidity, equality. People are having conversations they might not have considered or are exploring ideas they might never have looked at. With this newfound knowledge, people are taking more ownership of their decisions, and holding others more accountable.
The connection I’m trying to make is we’ve gotten so connected through the internet that there is almost like a global consciousness. Businesses are acting like individuals, even given some rights as such. But one interesting thing about business is it strives to survive and protect itself, whether it’s for profit and innovation or other means.
I think before people were more disconnected and didn’t have anything to invest in, especially in issues that weren’t personal or close to their own. With the internet, everyone is aware and can take stock in the collective of humanity. It’s like we are all small business owners who know if we allow racism, it’s like someone stealing at your job. We all are moving forward as a humanity to survive and protect ourselves while trying understand things like nuclear energy and our impact on our planet.
The point is, everyone plays a role in making the world a better place. If humanity was your small upstart, self-employed business, who would you hire? How would you operate? What would you sell?
I’ve learned that when it comes to talking to people about the the things that matter, the “hard hitting” questions, the “meat and potatoes”. Unless someone is aware of themselves or under the influence, they’re are not very forthcoming when it comes to personal information/details. It has taken me a long time to build what I think is enough self-confidence to hang my hat on. But over the years I got really good at dodging anything particularly personal and even better at getting people to open up about themselves and keeping the conversation off of me. Only recently, I’ve been having to actively try to open up more about me and be more vulnerable, to have more genuine experiences. But coming around that corner has helped me look back and have fun with catching people in the headlights of their “tru” questions. I say tru, cause I don’t really know. Who really does?! But being more comfortable in myself has helped me lean into asking people “realer” questions, because I feel like in some way I don’t have anything to hide and can wear it all on my sleeve. There’s an unspoken freedom in that. And it’s taken me a while to appreciate it and not feel like another average “black male misunderstood”. I think the point I’m really trying to make is sometimes it takes finesse to put smoke in a bottle. It’s a hard analogy to describe. But IYKYK. Sometimes you gotta take 3 rights to make a left. The bigger point. Bigger point??? Another point. Fair enough….Just continue to grow and be real with yourself and like Zack said, do some version of that “8 mile shit”. Wear it in your sleeve, own it. Take pride in your victories and know you are good enough. Also, am I a writer now?
I know what I want to write about, but I won’t, out of respect and matters of privacy. Maybe it’s not respect, maybe it’s self-preservation. I know it’s private but if I don’t write about it, it’ll nag at me and if it nags at me then it won’t work. I wouldn’t want it to work. No one likes a nag- no two, either. I don’t like being vague but it’s private. Maybe a lack of privacy lead to the nagging. Maybe the lack of privacy felt like there was no respect. I care about privacy but then I don’t, so maybe I do? I’m being vague-ish. I wouldn’t want to spoil the pumpkin for Halloween night by carving it too early in October. The fuck? The analogy actually makes sense but it’s just so obscure and not even the season right now. Vague-ish.
Random iPhone thoughts today:
“Sometimes you have to save face before it gets thrown in yours.” -No context, not sure where my brain pulled that from
“We can’t invalidate ignorant people.” Started thinking about that Netflix doc “Behind the Curve” again and wanted to force myself to remember that those people (flat-earthers) are just questioning things because of what may have happened to them in the past and that there was a time when I didn’t know things. Sure, some are people who refute all evidence and deep down you know that they know the earth isn’t flat but at the end of the day they have a community of people that accepts them. I know I’m not breaking any new ground here but that’s all people really want…is to be accepted. What I’m saying is, hug a potential flat-earther. Accept people or they’ll end up being flat-earthers.