Like everyone else, Epstein is on the brain. Zack talks his self sabotaging ways and Dean opens up about not opening up in relationships.
Ugly God – Batman
SPIRIT XIII – Hubris
Check out the official video for “Hubris” on Spirit’s site here.
Tag: post
Tru Questions
I’ve learned that when it comes to talking to people about the the things that matter, the “hard hitting” questions, the “meat and potatoes”. Unless someone is aware of themselves or under the influence, they’re are not very forthcoming when it comes to personal information/details. It has taken me a long time to build what I think is enough self-confidence to hang my hat on. But over the years I got really good at dodging anything particularly personal and even better at getting people to open up about themselves and keeping the conversation off of me. Only recently, I’ve been having to actively try to open up more about me and be more vulnerable, to have more genuine experiences. But coming around that corner has helped me look back and have fun with catching people in the headlights of their “tru” questions. I say tru, cause I don’t really know. Who really does?! But being more comfortable in myself has helped me lean into asking people “realer” questions, because I feel like in some way I don’t have anything to hide and can wear it all on my sleeve. There’s an unspoken freedom in that. And it’s taken me a while to appreciate it and not feel like another average “black male misunderstood”. I think the point I’m really trying to make is sometimes it takes finesse to put smoke in a bottle. It’s a hard analogy to describe. But IYKYK. Sometimes you gotta take 3 rights to make a left. The bigger point. Bigger point??? Another point. Fair enough….Just continue to grow and be real with yourself and like Zack said, do some version of that “8 mile shit”. Wear it in your sleeve, own it. Take pride in your victories and know you are good enough. Also, am I a writer now?
Perfection
So if you’re keeping track, you may have noticed that I missed a blog post yesterday. If you didn’t notice, congratulations on living your life. This is usually the point in a project when I give up. I told myself I’d write a blog post everyday but I missed a day, so now I consider myself a failure and won’t continue to write anymore. This probably would have been my m.o. a year ago but I’m done beating myself up over not being perfect (or even close). I used to think that not striving for perfection in everything you did was weak behavior. My quest for perfection usually freezes me at the starting line of most projects because I convince myself there’s no point in doing it unless it’s going to be perfect. Then I just bail on the project. Now THAT is weak behavior. It’s a fear of failure. It’s a faux elitist point of view that blinds me from realizing anything…much less my self-granted potential. I won’t do it this time, I’m not going to quit just yet. I really like doing this. It’s like typing out a podcast you’re doing by yourself in your head. At first I was rolling my eyes at myself. Who are you? Why would you think people are gonna read your fucking blog? I don’t even worry about that anymore. It’s not for other people. This is for me. It won’t be perfect. It can’t be perfect.
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Daily Blog #6
I was at the barber shop a few weeks ago and remember a dad with his out of control son. The dad was in his early thirties and the son was barely walking confidently. The son was cute at first but then you could tell the dad started to get embarrassed and impatient as he sat to get a cut. The little guy didn’t give one shit and at one point neither did the dad as he let the freshly faded fucktard run all over the shop while he was scrolling through some sort of timeline (most likely Instagram). I smirked until I realized a potentially depressing twist…this is a weekend dad. I know I want kids but I’m scared I’ll turn in to one of these. Now obviously I don’t know this dude, he could be the best dad in the world but on this particular Saturday, he was over it- this time was about him…forget everyone else trying to have a relaxing wait in the barber shop. OR, he could be the same dude I worry about becoming. We all know people who do the big life things like get married, have kids, buy a house, and settle down just because they think that’s the next obvious step, with little to no thought as to what else they could get out of life. Don’t get me wrong, some people’s natural progression in life is to do those things but I think a lot of people force it. These are the same people who hit up every happy hour during the week and use the weekends as offspring photo opps for their social media timelines. Moral of the post today is: don’t force it. I’m about to run out of time so that’s it. Sorry if you think calling that kid fucktard was a little harsh but you guys weren’t there.
Daily Blog #5
No, I didn’t forget about ya. I’m here, I’m here. I set an alarm to remind myself to keep plugging away at this stupid, self imposed daily blog assignment on this 4/20 holiday. I support the holiday but I don’t celebrate this holiday publicly. I’m at the point in my life where if you don’t know I smoke weed, I don’t want you to. I don’t really know what that means but if you think about it, it’s pretty freaking deep bro. Maybe not. Today I’ve had a quarter pan of salted caramel brownies, two oatmeal cream pies, a star crunch, an entire pack of Trolli worms and an entire bag of cheddar Chex mix. Don’t judge, I did hot yoga for the first time this morning…I deserve it. Speaking of, I learned today that any time I hear someone non-ironically use the word “Namaste” during the course of a normal conversation it makes be smile uncontrollably, so maybe it does work? I don’t have a favorite pose but I did enjoy hearing people breathe for an hour. It honestly felt amazing but I feel like I have to shit on it a little to keep my edge. Why are all white people Saturday morning recreational activities so expensive though? Also, why isn’t Yoga used as therapy the same way psychologists and psychiatrists are? Like why can’t my insurance pay for Yoga as a mental health service? Why doesn’t insurance cover all hobbies that preoccupy you and promote growth as a mental health service? Am I only asking questions to fill my word limit because I only have ten minutes left to write this? Maybe. Should you try Yoga? Maybe.
Daily Blog #3
You know what, I just read my last post and I needed to defend myself (from myself). The blog name is going back to its original title. I’m not a douchebag. I call myself a douchebag as a defense tactic so it hurts less when other people say or think it. I use the “Eminem/ 8-mile method” of self-deprecation to be more likable but I need to stop. It’s phony. I’m a good fucking dude. I’m a good dude with integrity. I think the byproduct of having integrity is scary because sticking to your guns is uncomfortable at times- especially for other people. I’m a dude with strict boundaries and if you cross a boundary, I’ll let you know about it. Anyone who’s ever called me a douchebag or an asshole usually ended up exhibiting the same symptoms of assholishness they previously diagnosed me with. Sure, I’ve been a dick before but who hasn’t? I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ve taken those lessons to heart as I interact with people on a daily basis. I’m not perfect but I try every day to make people feel good. I don’t do it for altruistic reasons but that doesn’t make me a douchebag. Making other people feel better makes me feel better and I don’t see a problem with that. You can call me a cynic, you can call me scatterbrained (because well, obviously) but I’m done entertaining the fact that I’m a bad dude.
P.S.- I’m only three posts in and I already see a trend in my writing. It starts out decent and then trails off because I lose interest and/or focus. It’s still early in this experiment but I’m already over talking about me. I think tomorrow I’ll try something even more abstract and not as self absorbed. Thanks for reading. I love you.
“Be good to yourself, you deserve it.” – Theo Von
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